You might not feel what i feel...

You might take me totally just as a friend…
But you have to know..
You have to know how I feel truly..
You have to be told about how I feel deep inside my heart..
I actually have fallen in love with you…
I actually really feel that you’re the one..
But I think you won’t care..
I think you would never feel the same…
I think you would think that all this are just a joke..
Or you might think that I would get over this feeling just as you count the days..
But even I don’t know when will I get over you…
Even I don’t know when will I start to take you as a friend only 100%..
You might not care about me..
But I really do care for you A LOT…
You might never think about me…
But I never stop remembering about you ALL THE TIME..
And now even the fireworks can’t totally cheer me up…
Being alone by the pool doesn’t help me anymore..
And now, maybe you’re having fun and being happy with the one you love..
While I type this thing over the sea…
I know I should never avoid you…
Cuz however you’re still a friend of mine…
But sorry….
I don’t know until when can I stand this…
I’m not strong enough to see you while knowing that you have no special feelings towards me…
I’ve drank and drank and drank…
But even when I got drunk, I still can’t let myself forget about you…
I know this is not your fault…
This is my own fault by falling in love with you…
The person who I haven’t known for too long…
But somehow I feel you’re the one…
I feel like you’re the person who’s gonna love me truly..
From the deepest part of your heart..
But I guess I’m wrong..
I guess you’re not the one..
I guess you won’t be the one who loves me truly…
And now I think a lot…
About my “love life”…
And I realizes, maybe I’m rejected because I’m so unimportant for everyone…
Maybe I’m rejected because people never need me truly…
Maybe I don’t deserved to be loved…
Well..
They’re just maybe’s..
But sometimes, those maybe’s can be right..
Those maybe’s might be the fact…
To be honest, I’m afraid they’re the facts…
I’m afraid those maybe’s are right…
But I afraid more for knowing that you’re not the one..
I’m more afraid when I imagine you’ll walk in front of me with other girl that you love more…
So what should I do now??
I really don’t have any idea..
Can anyone tell me???

simple writing about my complicated mind.

i might have written hundreds and hundreds of love poems...

and i know it sounds weird when i say those things to many different people..

makes me sounds like i can fall in love so easily...

but i don't care about it..

cuz this blog was made so i can pour out my feelings in the form of words..

like now,when i feel so rejected,so useless,so unimportant..

especially for that guy..

maybe people say that i should make myself think that it's his loss..not mine..

but somehow i feel unwanted now..

i feel like i might don't deserved to be loved...

and i still can't believe that i'm that bad and useless that no one had ever loved me truly..

and when i think i've found someone that could love me truly,,

he didn't even love me..

he just takes me as a friend..

nothing else..

now there's millions of questions that i want to ask to the Almighty..

cuz even though i know He always gives everyone the best that they need, not what they want,

but still, i can't really see His plan for me now..

i'm totally lost in my own life..

not knowing what to do next..

especially when i see that this guy is actually preferred my best friend instead of me..

i'm not sure anymore about what to do..

should i keep struggling and try to get him?

or should i let go, back off, and stop all this?

God,

if You're really there, all i want for this Christmas is just an answer for all of this..

i won't deny that i want him to love me truly..

but if it's just not the way You want it,

please Lord, let me know why and what should i do...

cuz i'm tired enough of being so lost in my own life..

Deep and Meaningless - Rooster

I, I don't know why I miss you so much
Yeah I, I don't know why I still feel your touch
You, you left me feeling high and dry
With nothing, nothing but the question why

Yeah you, I guess you had another direction
And leaving me with nothing but a dead connection

Chorus:
If you call me today
I'll say that I'm fine
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice
It's just a lie
You knew what you had
You still walked away leaving me in this mess
My love for you is deep and meaningless

You, you knew what you were doing to me
And I, I guess I was too blind to see
Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad
But I'd do it again to relive what we had
(Damn that's sad)

There are many things left to remind me
Of a love that I just can't leave behind me

goodbye my angel...

now i'm here,

alone again..

with no one accompanies me in the middle of this rain..

without you by my side..

and i guess you'll never be by my side anymore starting from today..

i can't handle this anymore..

i can't handle the pain..

the pain of being the third wheel..

i'm sorry for denying the promise..

the promise we shared before..

now i've got to let you go..

now i can't stand the pain anymore..

even though i really do want you,

but i'm too scared of the karma that would happen if i continue this..

i'm afraid you'll do the same thing to me..

and i know, if that happen, i will be so damn hurt..

so sorry dear..

i have to do this..

but believe in one thing,

i really do love you very much...

2nd of November :')

02.11.09

it's the date i would never forget..

the day that one of my bestfriends left this world and moved to the Lord's kingdom...

the day that made me really sad that i cried so loudly at the gym..

i remembered that day..

i was at the gym..

i just finished my combat class...

i was laughing loudly looking at the silliness of my friends..

then i suddenly felt so lonely and weird at that time..

and when i checked my cellphone,

there was a lot of missed calls from Tasha..

then suddenly she called me again..

crying so loudly and said, "RJ has left us..."

i thought she was joking..

but then she cried and cried and cried..

then i realized that she's serious..

without thinking, i screamed to Arlene and said what Tasha just said to me...

i suddenly felt empty, frozen, lonely..

i just realized that the best guy in the class, the best leader that had ever lived, the best daddy of the class, had left..

i can do nothing..

i only felt that the time suddenly stopped..

then suddenly i couldn't contain myself, and i cried...

i cried so loudly..

cuz the person i truly believed, the person who never judged me, the person who's very meaningful for me had to come back to the Almighty's kingdom..

and now, it's 02.11.10..

i'm sitting here alone at this coffee shop..

thinking about that silly guy that has left the world and moved to heaven...

missing him so much that i might cry in this very second..

craving for his matureness and his gentleness..

but i started to realize that God must have plans so that He pulled RJ in a such young age..

plans for him, plans for us, plans for everyone..

and i realize that i shouldn't cry for him anymore..

cuz he's happy now up there..

and i bet he doesn't want us to be sad all the time anymore..

Lord,

please take care of RJ up there..

and also open our eyes, God..

so that we won't cry for him anymore..

cuz i bet he doesn't want the people he loves keep crying for him..

that's all i want to ask from You, Lord..

p.s.

RJ, WE ALL MISS YOU SO MUCH! wait for us up there okayy...

then we can do silly things and have fun again up there..

love you "daddyy"!!!

Xs and Os,

the gembelers!

dear RJ

dear RJ,

hey there daddy..

how are you up there?

it's almost a year since you left..

we all miss you like crazy here..

do you miss us like we missed you???

in this one year,we all thought a lot about you...

we also talked about you too.. (well,i bet you know...)

but sadly most of those conversation ended with tears though...

i know you're happy now up there..

and i know you must be happier if your friends are happy too here..

but still,i can't lie to myself that i miss you so damn much man!

it's hard for me to stop crying for you when i remembered about you...

cuz you're one of the best guy friend that i've ever had...

but however,

i wrote this just to remind you that we all still remember you..

not just now i hope..

but forever...

i hope the "gembelers" will always remember you as the best leader that had ever led us..

love you J...

Xs and Os,

shilla :')

you

when you're around, i can't stop laughing..

i can't stop smiling..

i can't deny that i always feel happy..

you always act the way you are..

you never pretend to be anyone else when you're with me..

i can always see the real you..

i know you're not mine..

i know you don't love me the way i do..

i know you love her so much..

but it's okay dear..

cuz i believe,

someday i can be yours and you'll be mine..

forever and ever..

p.s. even if it doesn't happen, i'm still okay...

cuz when you're happy, i can feel that happiness too.. :)

iluimuinu tikus jelek! :)